“WHY HEART SHAPE?”
Heartbreak is heart shape.
It’s funny what we remember. Whether we retain information consciously or not, we tell ourselves what we know enough times and it becomes our truth.
I always thought the heart could heal itself. Physiologically, scarring of the heart leads to a greater risk of heart failure. According to a study by the U.C.L.A. Broad Center of Regenerative Medicine and Stem Cell Research, a certain type of collagen absent in the body determines how poorly a heart scars. Dr. Arjun Deb states that, “If we can reduce this scarring, we can greatly improve survival.”
Emotionally, the scars of lost love are soothed through the release of oxytocin. Whether that is through conversation or our favorite love song, to cry, in essence, makes us feel good about feeling bad.
What about the pain of losing a loved one in death?
Everyone feels the loss of romantic love to varying degrees. The same can be said for how we process the pain of losing a loved one in life.
“I’m fine.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“You’ll never get over it.”
“At least you [can] have another child.”
On January 23, 1998, I was 20 S.A.T. points short of completing my appointment to the United States Merchant Marine Academy on Kings Point, N.Y.. I wanted to fly helicopters as an Officer in the Marine Corps. It my opportunity to leave my hometown in Nebraska behind. That night my younger brother Reed, fatally injured himself with an intentional gunshot wound. He died at 7 A.M. the following morning.
In March of 2003, I was watching the opening invasion of Iraq in Portland, Oregon. An Officer my age, from a neighborhood not more than a few miles away, was flying a helicopter full of Marines near Basra. The bird went down in a sand storm killing all souls. In that moment, I thought, “my brother may have saved my life.”
In April of this year, my quality of life had reached its lowest point since his death. I had experienced an intense sleep disturbance for eight months. I would wake up between two and four A.M. and be unable to fall back asleep. 26 years of on and off self medicating with cannabis and alcohol had finally failed me.
My primary care physician and I tried everything from Western medicine pharmaceuticals to Eastern medicine tinctures (homeopathy) and techniques (acupuncture). Even a 14 day liver cleanse which included 21 days of sobriety could not level out my sleep. I was at the end of my rope.
“My brother may have saved my life.”
On April 6, 2024, I learned that this story I had told myself to be true is what is what is referred to as “intellectualized grief”. This discovery was a part of my education in the Grief Recovery Method™.
Simply put, the Grief Recovery Method helps grievers complete the pain of loss without saying goodbye to the person. The Method is a seven or eight week program completed either One-on-One with a Specialist or as part of a Group, respectively.
Being the go-getter that I am, I chose to take the training to become a Specialist. To guide fellow grievers in the completion of their pain meets a core value of mine, service to others.
My class of 16 completed the eight week process in two and a half days. The tears flowed. Oxytocin coursed through my veins. After our four day training was complete, I slept eight straight hours for the first time in as long as I could remember. It felt like I could breathe again.
There is more completion work to be done. To complete the pain of loss with my beloved grandparents, lovers and pets; to the loss of a family my 26 years of grief never allowed me to bring to life.
“The cracks are where the light shines in.”
-Leonard Cohen
This wisdom from the late, great musician reminds us that the gift is in the wound. We may tell ourselves that if we simply let our scars harden, we will be protected from future hurt. Research tell us otherwise. Emotionally, we may keep the pain at bay. Yet, to let the heart grow hard is to insulate ourselves from the sweetness of joy.
To acknowledge my emotional scars is to take action on their behalf. Working with Veterans in yoga practice brought peace to the guilt I felt of not serving my country. Now, I tug on the shame of what else I lost over 26 years. Currently, this is a process of palpating the shame of not bringing a child into this world.
Each day, in one form or another, I choose to step on one end of the scar and draw the other end taught. This act of devotion floods my heart with oxygen. Tears flow. Oxytocin floods. My body cycles through its release. I now inhabit joy in each day.
These vital chemical compounds of our carbon based existence transform what was once thought to be dead and dormant tissue, into a more resilient, pliable life force.
How have you experienced heartbreak?
How do you heal your scars?
If you are struggling with grief and would like to chat about how the Grief Recovery Method may help you, click this link to book a 15 minute discover Zoom with me.
WHAT I’M READING
“BREATH”, by James Nestor is a fascinating read. My anatomy nerd-self frequently geeked on the intricate facts of our respiratory system and its mundane components.
Did you know that the tissue lining of our nasal passage is similar to that of our sex organs? Gives new meaning “to stop and smell the roses”, yes?
Nestor dives into our evolution as Humans and how our modern day ailments are a product of our “de-evolution” as a species. From sleep apnea to hypertension, many of the maladies for which we gobble prescription pills correlate to poor breathing.
Nestor goes so far as to have his nasal passages closed for 20 days. The results of this Stanford Medicine lead experiment and his subsequent nasal breathing recovery are staggering.
By the end of the book, the intersection between our reliance on Western medicine and our simple lack of physiological awareness was glaring to me.
For those who desire to take more of their health and healing in their own hands, I couldn’t recommend “BREATH”, more.
WHAT I’M EATING
QUINOA SALAD: serves 4
Quinoa Base Ingredients -
1 cup Quinoa (Tri-color more fancy!)
1.5 cups Water (Or, chicken stock for more flavor.)
1 Tsp salt
1/2 tbsp. Oil (neutral oil like Avocado preferred; Olive oil works fine.)
Dressing Base Ingredients -
1 part acid (lemon juice, apple cider vinegar, etc.)
3 parts oil (neutral like Avocado preferred; use oil to compliment *REGIONAL flavors)
*REGIONAL Base Ingredients -
Regional ingredients are items to the base that give the salad particular identity.
Example: A “Greek” Quinoa salad would use ingredients from the Mediterranean (Kalmata olives, Greek oregano, Feta cheese, etc.).
A “Southwest” salad would use Southwestern American ingredients (corn, roasted chiles, cilantro, etc.)
TO PREPARE:
You will need a fine mesh strainer, 2 Qt. Sauce pan, mixing bowls, utensils and a zester or microplane.
1.) Rinse quinoa under cold water (even if package says, “rinsed”).
This will help remove starch and help create a more fluffy, less gummy cooked grain.
2.) Bring Quinoa base ingredients to a boil, then cover and simmer about 15 mins. (Electric vs. Gas stoves will change the cooking times.)
*Pro Tip: Start the quinoa, set a timer, then prep other veggies, while the grain cooks.
3.) Mix your dressing.
4.) Prep your Regional ingredients.
5.) Once the quinoa has cooked, remove from stove, fluff with a fork, then transfer to a mixing bowl. Pour half of the dressing over warm quinoa, then fluff with fork to keep from clumping.
*Pro Tip: If wanting to serve immediately, place mixing bowl with mixed quinoa in freezer; fluff again halfway through.
6.) Use one half of the remaining half of dressing to toss a bed of greens when ready to serve.
*Pro Tip: Bib or butter lettuce can act as “serving cups”.
7.) Mix Regional ingredients into bowl with dressed quinoa and last half (1/4 total) remaining dressing. Use mold or scoop to place over greens. Add a protein such as chicken or beans.
Enjoy!
WHAT I’M PRACTICING
The book reco was part of my homework for “FLOW SCHOOL” with Bonnie Weeks. If any of my teacher friends are looking to up their Vinyasa sequencing game, Bonnie’s your guide! You can find more about her, here.
Starting July 9th, I will be leading Vinyasa-style classes in a series I call “DANDASANA AT THE DOCK.” The classes will be live on Instagram where I will practice with you while I offer verbal cues and some break downs of sequences I am playing with. The replays will be available on my Instagram and YouTube channels.
Anyone can practice. Beginner and Intermediate students may benefit most. I’ll go live at 6AM, PST. Check out the quick video below for more!
Amazing! I really enjoyed reading your words / thoughts and learning more about you. It’s vulnerable and honest and real. Keep on shining!! I’m so proud of you!!!
Incredible work! I’m so proud of you! When I was in Japan, I learned about the art of kintsugi - filling cracks in pottery with gold, silver or platinum. I often visualize my grieving heart like this now. The memories of our lost loved ones live on through us. Reed is proud of you. ❤️🩹